


Partner

by HalloweenBae



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Contemplation, F/M, Family time, Finding Noah, Single Motherhood, Thinking About Nick Amaro, Thinking About Sonny Carisi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 07:41:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalloweenBae/pseuds/HalloweenBae
Summary: Amanda’s thoughts after Gone Baby Gone





	Partner

**Author's Note:**

> Everybody give Rollins a break.

She looked across the coffee table as she played with Jesse’s hair, separating a few strands from each other. That soft, gentle aroma of Baby oil emanating off of her child’s head filled her with a bittersweet feeling. Noah sat beside them as he played with Jesse, a smile on his face, a hair on his head untouched. But what if he hadn’t? What if, God forbid, he was unlucky enough to be kidnapped by someone else? What if someone had actually meant him physical harm? What if someone like that had taken Jesse? 

She looked her partner up and down as he played with Noah and Jesse. His blue eyes squinted into a smile as he pretended to get shot and fall backwards. He was always so good with kids… so good with Jesse. She had never met anyone who had such a calming effect on both children and adults alike. It’s as if he was born for it, or raised into it with his large family. Either way, the nature of his nurture really worked in his favor. For as long as she could remember, Sonny was always there for her and Jesse. He stopped her baby’s crying when she was about to rip her hair out. He cooked for her, cleaned for her, prayed for her (whatever that was worth), held her, and always had her back. 

What did she do for him in return? She yelled at him for trying to think like a lawyer on the job. She tried to shatter his dreams so that what? He wouldn’t leave her? So he wouldn’t move to California like Nick to be with the people he clearly loved more than her? So he wouldn’t leave her for a more important mission than his actual blood family like Declan?

Amanda knew that she had an addictive personality, and she was working on it everyday. She went to meetings for her gambling addiction, but she knew that if it wasn’t gambling, it was alcohol, and if it wasn’t alcohol, it was sex. It wasn’t all the time, and it wasn’t in excessive amounts; but she still craved the things that used to get her blood pumping. 

Being a mother, and a single mother at that, gave her little time or opportunity to indulge in these urges. When Nick was here it was easy. He would come over and they didn’t have to say anything at all. He’d knock on her door and shove her up against the wall, and his mouth would be on hers. Hours later they’d be in the bed or in the shower, and her endorphins would flood her veins. He thrilled her and kept her honest. He kept her blood pumping like no drink or card game could. And as quickly as he had come into her bedroom, he had left it. That was all gone now. Ripped out from under her, and then the doctor handed her a baby. A baby! How was she supposed to deal with this? With no life line? With no partner? With no…

Partner. She looked over at him, and he smiled that beautiful crooked smile. He leaned in and tickled Jesse in the belly, giving her a toy doll. Was that what he was? Was Sonny there for more than the “Empathic Detective” position Benson was looking for? 

She thought back to their road trip before Noah was taken, and how hurt Sonny was after she didn’t invite him in. Up until that moment, she honestly had no idea he wanted her that way. Sure, she had thought about it a couple of times, but she never thought it could actually happen. She never thought a man like him would look twice at a girl like her. He had his life together. He had a law degree, a good career in the NYPD, and a great rapport with witnesses and suspects alike. He had a large, functional, loving family to give him the tools to treat other humans with love and respect. She didn’t feel like she had any of those things on a good day. She thought the way he treated her had more to do with him than it did with her or Jesse. If she were any other person, he would have acted the same way. Or would he? 

He placed his hand over hers and rubbed her thumb as Jesse played with her doll. Instead of taking her hand away, Amanda let it sit there. She took in a deep breath and let Sonny take care of her for a second. 

She knew that everything in her past was fast and easy, and that she couldn’t just jump into bed with Sonny; no matter how upset he got on that road trip. He wasn’t someone she could just toss aside and come back to whenever she wanted to. He was her partner, on more than one level now, and she was finally ready to open herself up to that possibility.


End file.
